Embracing the and

Is this real life??

This time of year always puts me in my feelings. My birthday is coming up, there is a full moon in Scorpio on Thursday, and we are living through real life Jumanji.

The current climate has brought up a lot of feelings and ample time to sit with them. Who else has been ~riding the waves~? Recently, I’ve been contemplating the word – and (special thanks to my therapist for this prompt).

It’s a really simple, yet incredibly powerful word.

And holds so much more power than the very similar – but. The latter can feel divisive. Like it’s one or the other. And, gives space to coexist. As an indecisive person, I find so much freedom in this.

Real talk

I’ve been referring to myself as a ~recovering perfectionist~, lately. So much of my self worth has been subconsciously tied to the need to make others comfortable. I was burning myself out by constantly seeking approval and acceptance.

It felt like I needed to earn my rest, or any form of mental, physical, or spiritual self care (shoutout to the capitalist patriarchy). I’d bury my non-glamorous emotions, under the false belief that I just wasn’t trying hard enough to be positive. Thinking I could ultimately control the way I felt at all times.

So naturally, when this didn’t work, I would feel like I was doing it wrong. Like I would be failing at having emotions the right way.

Finally, my therapist hit me with a sobering thought – “so when are you allowed to be sad?”. This question was shattering and obviously, I wanted to get to the bottom of it.

*real real talk – I am writing this in past tense, but these are new ideas that I’m learning to notice and practice each day.

My glass case of emotion – part 1

The full moon happens to be a great time to reflect & release. Here is my example of how I am embracing the and right now. My hope is that this resonates with some of you.

“I’m so lucky to turn another year older, and I am grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life.

And, I’m also really sad. I’m bitter that my future feels like it’s been put on hold. It feels like my dreams to travel, fall in love, spend time with friends, and enjoy the rest of my 20’s, is being taken away from me. It’s stressful and painful.

It sucks that I have to go through all of this, missing Zoe so much it hurts.

I’m resentful of the government and the people in power who led us into this mess with greed and complacency, and those who ravage our planet. I’m angry at the systemic issues and the ignorance. That there are people in charge who lie, cheat, and contradict, limiting who can thrive, all to remain in power.

I hate being unsettled and having no end in sight for this whole mess.

My glass case of emotion – part 2

AND…

I have hope. The world is an absolute cluster right now, because these unsustainable systems and way of life, are falling away.

I see this is an opportunity to rest and heal, because I am fortunate enough to be safe. We come from the Earth and are part of her, and can only be as healthy as the planet is. So the more I rest, the more our Earth can too.

I recognize that I come from a place of privilege, and strive to regain some of my personal power and faith, by being an ally to marginalized groups, voting, learning and listening, and speaking out.

I believe that there is still more good, than bad, and we can individually, and collectively, make a difference. Especially when we are all doing well.

I’m grateful and excited for this next year of life. And I’m also mourning.

I release my judgement of being angry and sad. I allow myself to feel happy, and to laugh so hard that I maybe pee a little bit (LOL)…

The future is better than I could imagine, and I trust that everything is working out in divine timing.

It’s taken me 28 years to embrace the power in all emotions, and grief. I am aligned, optimistic, and fucking angry. It doesn’t have to be black and white, or neat. It’s everything, all at once.

Everyday, I practice living with the light and the dark.

Feeling all of these things at once doesn’t make me a hypocrite. And gives me compassion for myself and others. It gives me freedom to love myself unconditionally, and embrace the imperfect human that I am.

It’s ok

It’s ok if you are struggling to find hope or compassion right now. Just know that it can coexist alongside all of the mess, if you want it to. You’re allowed to feel scared, enraged, happy, and hopeful, all in the span of one day, or even at the same time.

This is a traumatic time and there’s no right or wrong way. We are doing our best, and it’s enough.

All is well, even when it doesn’t feel that way.

xx Sarah

Let me know what ands you are embracing right now!